Three things, anyone can predicate.

The tacky dress style of the 1990’s wouldn’t last forever. Cell phones would become the best thing since sliced bread. Finally, people will start lighting their lawn on fire. Only to avoid, that death-trap known as a push mower. All these things have come to pass, (except that last one). That rickety, old push-mover left your hands feeling like arthritis and carpel tunnel had a love child. Today with technological advances lawn care doesn’t have to be that strenuous. The first thing people see is your lawn and unlike your middle school grades–it actually counts! Here are some tips, to keep your lawn looking healthy each season.

Spring is here! Get started on your beautiful lawn and show your neighbors whose, boss. Once all the moisture has evaporated out of the soil—give your lawn a light rake. Your lawn shouldn’t look uneven—grab a shovel and fill holes in the area. Flatten area’s that are elevated.  These preemptive measures are to stop diseases in the soil.  Making sure your grass doesn’t catch the bubonic plague(no grass can’t get the plague).

Test your lawn for acidity, and neutralize the PH in your lawn by placing a thin layer of lime. Your grass, will grow faster than Wendy Willam’s wig collection. The next step is to plant more grass afterward. Fill your grass’s balding spots with planted seeds. Determine what caused your lawn, to fall short. Supplement your lawn with missing nutrients in order, to make it flourish.

After spring comes the seasons of heat stroke–known as summer.

During summer, the sun will bake you like a potato. Like the Wicked Witch of West in reverse, you’ll melt under the Sun. Imagine spending all day long, under the sun’s hot rays. That—is the suffering your lawn goes through, ever single season. Water your grass. If the sun scorch’s your lawn like Death Valley—please get sprinklers installed. Your grass will love you.

Whatever, you do—buy the right mower.

The Honda HRR216K9VKA by Lawn Mower Lane is the right model. The lawn mower pushes itself. One step for man and one-step closer to a lawn that’ll take care of itself. Until then, the Honda can push itself. No priming required and a precision cut, so your grass continues to look aligned and even. After getting through the blistering heat of summer comes Fall.

Fall comes with cold and Pumpkin Spice. Pumpkin Spice latte’s, cookies and donuts. A lot of pretty leaves. Leaves in different colors and hues fall, elegantly and annoyingly right on your lawn. After, raking billions of leaves, it’s time to make sure your lawn is taken care of. Make sure to rake-out that moss and add a moss herbicide.

Aerate the soil by pushing a border-fork in the soil between four inch’s every two-years. Make sure to put in top-dressing in the grass, which can be bought at your local home improvement store. Brush that dressing in and finally fertilize that soil, with an Autumn fertilizer. When you’ve done all this, congrats because Winter is coming.

The season of Game of Thrones and permafrost. This is the easiest season as snow, will freeze it all over. Make sure that your lawn is cut short to prevent rodents from ransacking your lawn. Prevent dead spots on your lawn, by removing, any and all objects placed on your lawn. Make sure everyone knows, your lawn still isn’t the welcome wagon. Keep the kids off, your lawn.  Excessive amounts of traffic can cause your lawn, to have weathered down spots. Follow these simple tips and you’ll have the lawn of your dreams.

So now you have the best lawn in all the land. Now, what? Gloat! Let’em know. Invite the neighborhood for a dinner party and show ’em your glorious grass. Tell them, you’ve counted every single blade of grass! Tell them the grass talks to you, in your sleep. Yeah, they’ll think you’re crazy but you’ve worked hard for your lawn to look better than Katie Holme’s hair. You–deserve it!